I Lost My Child Today

6 Jan

I lost my child today.
People came to weep and cry,
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief,
I lost my child today.

I lost my child last month.
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from this dream.
This can’t be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month.

I lost my child last year.
Now people who had come, have gone.
I sit and struggle all day long.
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, “Why?
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.”
I lost my child last year.

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
“She must move on and leave this place.”
Yet I am trapped right here in time,
The songs the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child……Today.

20120106-004438.jpg

Tags: , ,

Crickets

9 Oct

This morning, I happened to see something black in my shoe as I was slipping on my shoes. Upon further investigation, I realized it was a cricket which immediately made me think of Sammy. In light of that, I thought I’d share a past entry I wrote for Sammy’s website.

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

8/11/08 – As much as I try to avoid thinking about it, this week is a difficult one as most of the kids in our area are headed back to school. This year, Sammy would have begun kindergarten.

Just before he passed away, we had begun the early discussions about the possible options available to him. We had hoped that his preschool teacher might also be his kindergarten teacher because she is such a great teacher. Last year, the children in Sammy’s class found a cricket in the classroom, and because they were interested in crickets, his teacher incorporated a cricket theme into their weekly lesson. They learned about crickets–where they live, what they eat, how they make their sounds–and they made their own cricket representations using tissue paper, pipe cleaners, and egg cartons. One little cricket managed to find its way into the classroom, and because his teacher was inspired, Sammy learned all about him.

Last week when I had trouble sleeping, I stayed up late watching TV in the dark. Suddenly, I felt something fall onto me, and I looked up to see what it might be, but of course, it was dark so I didn’t see anything. Still not feeling comfortable about what it was and fearing what it could be, I began investigating, and that’s when I saw the culprit on the carpet. A big ol’ cricket! I’ve since found three crickets in the house so far! Sammy may not be going to Kindergarten this year, but I think he’s still playing the role of class clown by pulling pranks on me!

     

Tags:

Always with me…

1 Sep

[His mother] kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. (Luke 2:19; NLT)

I think of Sammy every single day, and quite possibly, I think of him at least once every waking hour of my day. Sometimes, I think of him for hours at a time. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, he’s never very far from my thoughts.

I’ve tried to find a way to describe what it feels like for me now, 3 years after his death. Although I can’t see him or touch him, I feel like Sammy is a part of every moment in my life. The best example I can give is early pregnancy–after the positive pregnancy test but before the fetal movements can be felt. From the moment of my positive pregnancy test, I was consciously aware that I was pregnant. Even though my mind might focus on whatever task was at hand, my thoughts would always drift back to the fact that I was pregnant. I could be typing at my desk, answering the phone, doing my job, but I was still keenly aware that I was pregnant. No one could see it, I didn’t feel it, but I knew that a new life was there. For those months I carried him in my body, he went with me wherever I went because he was a part of me.

Today, I can focus my mind on the tasks at hand; I can type at my desk, answer the phone, and do my job. I can drive in the car, shop at the grocery store, and do any daily task. All the while, Sammy is never far from my thoughts. In some ways, I could say that Sammy has simply moved to a new location in my body; I carry him in my heart, and he goes with me wherever I go because he is a part of me once again.

20110901-023414.jpg

← Older Entries
Newer Entries →