Always with me…

[His mother] kept all these things in her heart and thought about them often. (Luke 2:19; NLT)

I think of Sammy every single day, and quite possibly, I think of him at least once every waking hour of my day. Sometimes, I think of him for hours at a time. No matter where I am or what I’m doing, he’s never very far from my thoughts.

I’ve tried to find a way to describe what it feels like for me now, 3 years after his death. Although I can’t see him or touch him, I feel like Sammy is a part of every moment in my life. The best example I can give is early pregnancy–after the positive pregnancy test but before the fetal movements can be felt. From the moment of my positive pregnancy test, I was consciously aware that I was pregnant. Even though my mind might focus on whatever task was at hand, my thoughts would always drift back to the fact that I was pregnant. I could be typing at my desk, answering the phone, doing my job, but I was still keenly aware that I was pregnant. No one could see it, I didn’t feel it, but I knew that a new life was there. For those months I carried him in my body, he went with me wherever I went because he was a part of me.

Today, I can focus my mind on the tasks at hand; I can type at my desk, answer the phone, and do my job. I can drive in the car, shop at the grocery store, and do any daily task. All the while, Sammy is never far from my thoughts. In some ways, I could say that Sammy has simply moved to a new location in my body; I carry him in my heart, and he goes with me wherever I go because he is a part of me once again.