As I type, I’m listening to the pouring rain outside and the thunder that comes with a spring thunderstorm. Sammy definitely did not like thunder, and during storms, I would often tell him about how Jesus gave John and James the nickname of “sons of thunder”. In one of my last conversations with Sammy, I whispered in his ear and told him about what he would find in heaven. Just as a parent might mentally prepare a child for his or her very first day of school, I told him about what he might see and who he might meet in the next phase of his journey. I reminded him that he would meet Zebedee and his sons, John and James, and they would teach him about where the thunder comes from. When I hear thunder now, I smile because I picture Sammy in heaven hanging out with John and James, and I wonder just what nickname they have given to him.
Absence
1 MarI apologize for my absence. It has been a few difficult months, and I just haven’t been in the right frame of mind to update the site and share my feelings. It’s important to me that I be as open and honest as I can be; however, transparency can be painful.
After Sammy’s death, I spent the first six months focused on preparations and fundraising for the National HPE Conference held in July. With so many people counting on me and so much work to be done, I suppressed my grief and focused on the task at hand.
Thank goodness we were participating in weekly grief counseling with a therapist because the months of October and November were the most difficult. In November, Steve was downsized from his job. He decided to make a move back into the insurance industry, and he is now licensed to sell health, life, property and casualty insurance. Steve is now working at a State Farm agency in Lebanon, and he has found his new career path.
With Steve out of work, I made the decision to return to gainful employment after 5 years of being a stay-at-home mom, and I am currently working full-time as a Patient Financial Counselor for Community Health Network. It is strange to enter the workforce after so much time away, and I’m still trying to find my way.
I had hoped to add a blog feature to Sammy’s website, but after hours of time wasted on it, I just couldn’t figure it out. I sure do hate it when software applications are smarter than I am! So, until I can find more time and patience, I’ll just keep following the same format that has served me well the past few years.
Holidays
1 NovI’m sorry that my updates have become fewer and far between. In addition to being busy with a variety of things, I have spent quite a bit of time trying to figure out what comes next. I’ve been anticipating (and somewhat dreading) the period of time from October 31 until January 8. We have spent the past several months coping with various “firsts” since Sammy passed away, but the hardest firsts are ahead.
Yesterday was the “first” Halloween, and we chose to spend it out of town. While I appreciate all of the kids in their costumes, I just didn’t feel I was ready this year to have them standing on my porch ringing my doorbell. I enjoy autumn decorations and even cute Halloween decorations, but for the past few weeks, I’ve had to seek an alternate route to our house as one of our neighbors down the street has an actual casket decorating his front yard. In past years, I’ve always thought it was dumb . . . this year, I find it disturbing. So, we chose to avoid Halloween this year.
With a little creativity, I’m sure we could avoid Thanksgiving and Christmas as well; however, I don’t think that would be healthy or wise, so I’m hopeful that we will embrace them with happy memories. I’ve read of an old Jewish proverb that says a person dies two deaths. The first is the physical death; the second is when that person’s name ceases to be used. Over the next several weeks, Steve and I will be preparing our hearts and minds for the holidays. The best gift we can receive is the support of friends and individuals who love Sammy–to hear his name and to hear stories about how he touched lives. These things don’t bring us pain; they bring us peace, comfort, and joy.
Sammy Yammy and HoPE 