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A little boy on the big screen…

18 Oct

This week, Indianapolis is hosting the Heartland Film Festival.  In light of this fact, I thought I’d go back to the archives and repost an entry from Sammy’s website.

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9/26/08 – There are moments when I have no words to describe my thoughts and can only shake my head in utter amazement. This week, I had one of those moments.

I received word that my little Sammy—a boy who couldn’t walk or talk—will appear on the big screen at the Heartland Film Festival, October 16-24. He will appear in the documentary “Auschwitz—If You Cried, You Died”.

I know what you’re thinking, “How in the world did Sammy find his way into a documentary about the Holocaust?”

Several months before Sammy passed away, I began working with a graphic designer, Jennifer, to design a logo for Families for HoPE. During the process, she shared with me that she felt God was directing her to tell me about another project on which she was working. Of course, she was probably a little worried about what I would think, but she bravely posed the question, “Do you have any interest in the Holocaust?”

In the months prior to her question, I had begun reading a lot about how the German government in the 1930s instituted euthanasia for the systematic killing of the mentally and physically disabled. (The secret operation was code-named “Action T4“—Google it and see for yourself.) Because I had been trying to comprehend how human beings could come to the common understanding that an entire race of people should be exterminated, I had begun reading on topics such as Eugenics, Euthanasia, and Social Darwinism.

Jennifer explained that she was editing a documentary about the Holocaust which chronicles the journey of two Holocaust survivors as they revisit Auschwitz Concentration Camp. The documentary which has been distributed to high schools across the U.S. also addresses the dangers of prejudice, the value of diversity and the need to respect others. The theme of the documentary is that “we must learn from the past to protect our future”, and it addresses topics such as cruelty, bullying, and dehumanization.

There is a segment of the newly-edited version where the students are urged to ask themselves how they treat others based upon appearance, money, race, religion and even upon mental handicaps or physical disabilities. Then, we see Sammy’s cute little face along with a video clip of Steve and me explaining Sammy’s condition and our worries of how our precious little boy might be treated by society as he grows older.

Back to the question, “How in the world did Sammy find his way into a documentary about the Holocaust?” God called upon our “imperfect” child to be used in His Perfect Plan by bringing him into the world not to learn, but to teach.

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A childless mother

22 Sep

“Do you have children?” That’s an awkward question for me to answer at times. Typically, my response is, “I do. I have a son in heaven.” My answer may catch the other person off guard, but I’ve found that it’s the easiest way for me to say it.

Other times, the question comes as a part of a conversation, and that’s where it gets a little trickier. For example, a co-worker and I were chatting about back-to-school shopping several weeks ago, and she asked, “Do you have kids?” Relative to our discussion, I knew that she was really asking if I had kids needing school clothes, and I answered the question with the simple word “no”. As soon as the word escaped from my mouth, I realized that I didn’t like the way it sounded. I then corrected my response and explained about Sammy.

Last night, I attended the introductory session of a ladies’ Bible study at church, and each of the 40+ women there was asked to stand up, introduce herself, and tell a little something about herself. A majority of the women said their name and then told the number of children and/or grandchildren they had; thus, defining themselves as mothers.

I was one of the last to introduce myself, and as my turn grew closer and closer, I felt my anxiety increasing. At first, I considered just introducing myself and keeping it short and sweet, but that just didn’t feel right. Of the 40+ women there, probably one-quarter of them knew Sammy and were there with me at various times in my spiritual journey, so I felt like I needed to pay tribute to that. So, I took a deep breath and shared a little bit about Sammy’s life.

I came across a phrase recently that describes my parental role…”a childless mother”. I’m still a mother and I always will be, but I am without a child. Some days, I’m okay with that description; other days, not so much. On the positive side, I’m thankful that Sammy will never be a fatherless or motherless child because I know that to be absent from me is for him to be present with his Heavenly Father, and there’s no greater place to be!

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Teach us to count the days

16 Sep

I admit that Monday and Thursday are my least favorite days of the week. Monday because the weekend is over; Thursday because it’s Friday Eve.  As I was internally bemoaning the fact that today is only Thursday and not Friday, I came to a realization that convicted me of my selfish thoughts.

The Holy Bible tell us that the Lord created it all in six days and saw that it was very good.  Then, on the 7th day, He rested, blessed the 7th day and made it holy.  If that’s what I believe, then who am I to think that those 7 days aren’t good enough for me?

Monday isn’t the problem. Thursday isn’t the problem. The problem is Me-day…simply defined as every day of the week when I erroneously think that it’s all about me.  As I reflected on that this morning, I realized that I need to change my attitude, especially about Mondays and Thursdays.

Today is Thursday, so I’ll start there. As I reflected on it this morning, I reminded myself that it was a Thursday when I heard the first cries of my only child as he took his first breaths of life. This was the day doctors had warned us about–the day when we would likely say hello and then goodbye, all in the same day. It was on a Thursday that I became a mother…the day I truly began living for someone other than myself.

I know I’m not alone in my lack of appreciation for Mondays. It’s the day we all seem to dread, and the day we all hope goes by quickly.  So, I spent some time this morning just thinking about Mondays. I realized that I had the privilege of experiencing 247 Mondays with Sammy, and I loved every single one of them.  How I wish I had more of those Mondays to look forward to–all 24 of those long Monday hours that we take for granted by wishing them away.

Don’t we often say that we’d prefer to just stay in bed or go back to bed in an attempt to avoid Mondays entirely?   If we actually had the option to boycott Mondays, the events and circumstances of our lives in the world around us would still continue.  Sammy died at 10:40pm on a Monday.  When I awoke that Monday morning, I didn’t know that it would be my last day with him.  If I had elected to wish that Monday away, I would have missed the opportunity to share those final hours with him.  If I had exercised my option to boycott Mondays, Sammy would have lived his final day without me there.  It was the worst day of my life, but I’m so glad that I didn’t wish it away.

Beginning today, I’m changing my attitude. No longer will I whine and moan about Mondays and Thursdays; instead, I’ll remember the gift of 247 Mondays.  I’ll remember the Thursday when I became Sammy’s mom, and how there was enough joy that one day to make every Thursday in my life special.  Beginning today, not only will I make every day count; I’ll be sure to count my days as blessings and thank the Lord for the creation of every one of them.

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